I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
