I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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