saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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