just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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