Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
