My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
