Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
