He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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