I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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