i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
