Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
