I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
