I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
