He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Randomize