I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
