oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
