sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
