What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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