Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
