Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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