I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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