I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
