you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
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