would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
