i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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