Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
