through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
