At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
stop calling my apartment porn island.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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