peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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