Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Randomize
