hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
