Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I fill condoms, not promises.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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