i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
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