you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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