I heard we made out
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
