organizing the empties. That sober.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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