Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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