I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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