Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
