oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
