Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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