you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
