Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
