when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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