I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Well I just put wine in my tea
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
