Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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