Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
why do cheetos always look like penises
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
