ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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