i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
