i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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