I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Drunk is not a location!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
