I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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