He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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