Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Vodka?
Forever.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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