I think my vagina is haunted
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
