a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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