Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
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