saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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