One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
