i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
