The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
